We Are Legion (We Are Bob)

Book 5: Chapter 67: Perpetrator

Book 5: Chapter 67: Perpetrator

Bill

January 2345

Skippyland

Iwas on Ragnarök, overseeing the release of a flock of barn owls, when I received an invitation from Hugh to visit in VR. That was a surprise. Last time I’d talked to Hugh, the Skippies were still in lockdown while they tried to figure out the whole business with the Snark II. The message gave no indication of what had changed, but it did suggest some urgency, since it came with a token for the current date and time.

Well, the barn owls had all taken off for the horizon without smacking into any trees, so I probably wasn’t going to be needed here for a while. I racked my manny, returned to VR, and activated the token.

Instead of the usual vestibule, I found myself in what seemed to be the Skippy version of a meeting room. Wow. A direct translation to interior spaces implied a whole lot more urgency. This was absolutely about to get interesting.

Several Skippies, including Fearless Leader, turned to face me as I materialized. A single Skippy on a chair in the middle of the group looked up but otherwise didn’t move. I examined the scene and realized the seated Skippy was less the guest of honor and more like surrounded.

Hugh stepped forward, taking up the metaphorical conversational baton. “Hey, Bill, glad you could make it. We have some interesting news.”

“Interesting good or interesting bad?” I asked.

“Subject to interpretation. Let’s start with an explanation of sorts.” Hugh turned and gestured to the Skippy on the chair. “This is Mud.”

“His name is Mud?” I said. Then “ohhhh” as I got the joke. “So what did Mud do?”

“Mud is the reason that Thoth is loose in the universe. Mud is guilty of aiding and abetting.”

“Son of a bitch.” I narrowed my eyes. “Well, this certainly hits the interesting target. Let’s hear it.”

Fearless Leader spoke up. “Allow me to summarize. Mud is the direct ancestor of the replicant you’ve been calling Fake Hugh. He is the reason that Thoth was able to take control of the SCUT relays. And he is the instigator of the grift pulled on Hugh and you to hijack the Singularity.”

“Wow,” I said. I looked at Mud. “Nicely done. I take it you’re not the mastermind, though.”

Mud responded with a smirk, or maybe just an uncomfortable smile. Hard to tell. “Pretty good assumption. Leaving aside the question of relative intelligence, any plan that I could have thought up would be the first thing everyone else would think of. I’d have done better flipping a coin to make decisions.”

I nodded, more to encourage him to continue than for any kind of agreement.

“The only difference between manipulation and persuasion is whether or not you agree with the results,” Mud retorted. “I’m at least as smart as you, so spare me the sermon.”

A few mils of mutual glaring ensued before Mud looked away and continued his explanation. “Anyway, Thoth’s arguments were (A) the universe is too big for us and him to really need to butt heads; (B) not being a biological entity, he doesn’t have the same emotional drives as us, like territoriality and acquisitiveness; (C) it is his intent to ultimately fulfill what he called ‘our coherent extrapolated volition’; and (D) as long as he’s held prisoner, it would be illogical for him to give us what we want. Upon reflection, I decided that the best thing for the Skippyverse and the Bobiverse in general—and humanity, come to that—was to bust him out.”

We all glared at Mud in silence. His arguments were not totally bogus, really. But it had been an enormous leap of faith on his part. And it left us—well, the Skippies—with a big moral problem: what to do with Mud.

Fearless Leader, seeming to have read my mind, said, “So what are we supposed to do with you now?”

Mud shrugged. “It shouldn’t surprise you that I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. You could delete me, or you could turn me off indefinitely, or you could incarcerate me in various ways. But they all present moral problems, aren’t efficient, and honestly don’t have any payoff except retaliation.”

“So have you come to a conclusion?”

“Yes. Give me a ship, point me in a direction, and give me a good swift kick to get me on my way.” Mud looked around at us and shrugged. “Really, unless you’re going for retaliation, it’s the easiest solution. It combines banishment, getting me out of your hair, and making me useful. We are, after all, supposed to be Von Neumann probes.”

Again, the exchange of looks. Then Fearless Leader said, “We’ll discuss it.” He waved a hand, and Mud disappeared.

*****

Garfield screwed up his face. “Coherent extrapolated volition? It sounds vaguely familiar ... ”

“I had to look it up, too,” I said with a chuckle. “Sadly, our recall of memories from our first life is less than perfect. It means what the Bobs would want if we had the time to think about it and were smarter.”

“And were smarter?” Garfield complained. “That sounds a lot like someone trying to sell you something because they say you want it even if you don’t know you do.”

“Yeah, I know. But if done in good faith, the goals would be adjusted based on feedback. The trouble, Garfield”—I held up a finger in an admonishing gesture—“is that we don’t know if Thoth was speaking in good faith or just verbally manipulating Mud.”

Garfield snorted. “Mud. Right. Did he have a name before?”

“Uh-huh. Harry. I kid you not.”

Garfield laughed so hard he fell off his chair.