In Tokyo: They are heavily dependent on me

Chapter 111. Escape

The aching sensation spread throughout my body.

I was lying on the floor of a room made up of several tatami mats, surrounded by my favorite books, which were piled up all over me, on my body and around me, and even covered with one in front of my face. It's no exaggeration to say that these books alone were enough to overwhelm me.

I don't want to think too much, or rather, it would be better to let my mind be in a state of emptiness, without having to think about anything, and all I have to do is breathe. I wish it could continue like this forever.

I rolled over, and the books piled on top of me tumbled to the other side. The sunlight streaming in through the window made me realize, "Ah, I overslept again." I found my phone tucked among the pile of books; the time... was three in the afternoon.

Time to get up.

I bent down and started tidying up the room. To put it simply, I was just making room for my body to sleep.

My mother has complained about the mess in the room more than once. I've thought about cleaning it properly, but every time I actually start, I think, "This is too much trouble," and in the end, the room remains unchanged.

It's not Tokyo after all... so it's okay if we don't have to clean.

I always have this thought in my mind.

I squeezed toothpaste onto my toothpaste tube, and my reflection in the mirror showed my hair looking frizzy and messy. I stared at my tired-looking face, my right hand moving mechanically.

I'm not currently working as a high school teacher in Tokyo. This is a rural area in Kanagawa Prefecture where I don't know anyone except my mother, so I don't need to worry about my appearance.

There's a reason why I've come back here.

About a week ago, I submitted my resignation to the principal.

"Come on, Shoko!" That day, I stood in front of the door with the "Principal's Office" plaque and said this to myself to cheer myself up. Finally, I made up my mind to push the door open.

"Resignation application?"

The principal's reaction was exactly what I expected. Seeing him furrow his brows and push up his glasses, I thought to myself, "Please, don't ask me why I did this!" as I bent down.

He probably already noticed that the "reason for leaving" field on the resignation form is blank, right?

The silence made me even more nervous. Ah... when will this end? A sense of powerlessness washed over me; all I could do was breathe. My heart pounded, and it felt like every second was passing in a slow, deliberate rhythm.

Could you explain the reason for your departure?

The thing I didn't want to face still happened in the end.

I made mumbled "uh" and "uh" sounds, and perhaps sensing my embarrassment, the principal didn't press me further. Ah, that really helped me a lot.

"Shoko-sensei, speaking of which, you haven't been given your annual leave yet, have you?"

"Let's decide on your resignation when you get back."

The recollection ended for the moment; I shook the troublesome thoughts out of my mind and splashed cold water on my face.

What am I doing...?

In that instant, I suddenly asked a question, just like I always do.

The idea of ​​escaping is wrong. Because I'm afraid, I don't want to face it. Doing so won't change anything. Thinking this, I frantically scratched my hair, trying to uproot my troubles. But in the end, all I got were a few strands of hair that fell out and an even more worried heart.

Let's eat something.

I staggered out of the bathroom. My mother wasn't home. I opened the refrigerator and took out the leftovers from lunch. Although they were cold, the taste didn't seem to change much to me.

Because I was alone at home and hadn't eaten for almost a day, I let loose completely, continuously stuffing food into my mouth and chewing until my stomach felt bloated. I lay on the floor, panting heavily.

Shoko, you can't let yourself go like this.

My mother said this to me on the first day I returned home.

However, I didn't think there was anything wrong with doing that. In addition, my mother had never disciplined me after I became an adult, so I started to become more and more reckless, and I got up in the middle of the night to search for food more and more often.

From my mother's initial concerns to her gradual compromise, I could clearly sense that her tolerance for me was increasing. Every time I saw her sigh, I couldn't help but wonder, is this really the right thing to do?

My mother was strict in my memory, and there were always things she insisted on, such as "cut your hair short", "keep your legs together when you sit down", and "keep your back straight when you walk". To be precise, during the time I was in elementary school, I strictly followed all the requirements my mother made of me. Because of this, I became the topic of conversation that my mother talked about most after meals.

This reality did not last long.

When I was in junior high school, one day I was like a robot that had awakened its self-awareness. I began to ignore my mother's orders. Whenever she spoke, I would feel annoyed and would unconsciously want to argue back.

After entering high school, this situation became even more obvious. I started to disobey my mother's orders time and time again, and even had big arguments with her because our ideas conflicted.

Every time, she would silently compromise and agree to my requests. Perhaps in her eyes, I was a selfish person who only cared about himself.

I was already aware of this back then.

So, after participating in my daily club activities, I worked like crazy at a restaurant. The number of dishes I washed during that time probably exceeds the number I've used in my entire life.

When I took out the envelope containing a month's salary and placed it on the table, my mother seemed to understand my good intentions. Since then, we have rarely argued.

However, this moment did not last long.

My high school years were drawing to a close, and when it came time to fill out my college application, I did not heed my mother's advice. Instead, I secretly gave up my idea of ​​working in the prefecture and chose to go to Tokyo to work as a teacher.

As expected, after the incident, I had a huge fight with my mother, which almost broke our relationship.

After that day, I realized that my "rebellious" nature had never changed.

I don't like others controlling my destiny; no one can. That's always been my belief.

However, since meeting him, this view has been unconsciously distorted.

"Nice to meet you. I'm a newly transferred intern teacher, and I'll be in charge of the Mandarin language courses starting today."

As a recent college graduate, I was assigned to a high school for my internship, and it was around that time that I noticed him.

The name left a strong impression on me; although it belongs to a boy, it sounds like a girl's name.

"Hoshino-kun, your total score in this mock exam is 851, which is the highest in the entire grade!"

Under the envious gazes of those around him, he calmly walked to the podium, took the report card from my hand as if it were his due, and showed no sign of joy on his face.

I noticed him from that time on.

Every day after school, during breaks, Hoshino would be engrossed in his textbooks like a machine. In such a noisy environment, he could read with such absorption. What made him work so hard? As time went by, the questions I had about him accumulated in my heart and grew. I even thought about asking him in person.

Am I being too gossipy for a teacher?

I had pondered this question countless times, and finally, it all came out like a volcanic eruption.

"I want to become an outstanding person; that's my dream."

That day, when faced with my perplexing question, he answered in this way without hesitation.

I don't have superpowers, but I can instantly tell the truth of those words. Looking at him, so close yet so far, I unconsciously began to yearn for his existence.

With Hoshino's grades, he could easily get into any university, but he still worked incredibly hard. The gap between him and the second-place student was so large that others could only look on in awe. Even so, he continued to work hard, simply for the dream in his heart that could be easily realized.

He was the kind of person who was incredibly determined, the complete opposite of me, who would try to run away when faced with trouble.

He could do those things I couldn't reach, those things I couldn't touch, with ease. I began to admire him immensely, and when I realized this, I even subconsciously started searching for his figure below the podium.

And so I spent my tedious and boring internship years, and eventually became a full-fledged teacher, realizing my dream.

"I hope to spend three unforgettable and fulfilling years with everyone as a close friend. I will try my best to remember everyone in the class."

When I said those words on the podium, I couldn't control my instincts and subconsciously wanted to know his reaction.

Unexpectedly, yet predictably, it was uneventful.

His face, devoid of any emotion, stared out the window, seemingly gazing into nowhere. I looked at him from afar, yet my heart was uncontrollably yearning for even the slightest hint of joy from him.

However, that didn't happen.

Hoshino was always gazing at a distant place I could never reach. It was a miracle that someone as incompetent as me could become his teacher. During that time, I often tossed and turned in bed until I truly experienced the pressure of the "teacher" profession. When I got busy, I had no time to think about anything else, and he gradually faded from my sight.

I never thought I would have any interaction with him.

However, fate seemed to be playing tricks on me. That day, I was troubled by a motorcycle malfunction when I heard the sound of a bicycle behind me. By the time I realized what was happening, he had already squatted down and started to check it very carefully.

"It's probably because the spark plugs are too old; they've been used for a long time."

His guess was completely correct.

I bought this old-model 'Cub' from a secondhand store. I don't know how many times it changed hands. It is said that the previous owner of it was involved in a safety accident, but I have never believed such things, so I successfully bought it for a very low price.

"Does Hoshino-kun have any experience repairing motorcycles?"

As I crouched down beside him, I suddenly realized that this was the first time I had ever been in such close proximity to him.

Although we've had private conversations before, those were only for work purposes, and doing those things was necessary, which is completely different from now.

"Yes, there's a shop selling motorcycle parts over there. I'll take you there to take a look."

His voice was gentle, and his back, visible as he sat on the bicycle, made me want to lean on him.

Even though I was facing a junior who was a few years younger than me, I embarrassingly showed a flustered reaction.

"Ah...no need, how could I trouble Hoshino-kun?"

"It's alright, and I've always wanted to repay Ms. Shoko for her kindness to me."

Hearing him say that, I felt embarrassed to refuse, so we got on the same bicycle. When we passed a traffic light, because of the change in my center of gravity caused by braking, my body bumped straight into his back.

That was the first time I experienced such a special feeling.

The back, soaked with sweat, felt cool to the touch, and the sweat didn't smell as bad as I'd imagined; in fact, it wouldn't be an exaggeration to describe it as "pleasant."

For the first time in my more than twenty years of life, my heart has been pounding nonstop because of the presence of a woman.

It can't be wrong...that feeling.

Looking back, it was probably around that time that the vague outline of that feeling began to emerge.

"Yes, everything is fine now."

After installing the spark plugs, Hoshino twisted the throttle on the motorcycle, and as expected, 'Cub' started successfully.

See you tomorrow, Ms. Shoko.

If I were ten years younger, no, five years would be enough. I would definitely grab his back without hesitation, bury my face in it, and say some embarrassing things in a voice that only I can hear.

However, for someone who is already 25 years old, that's not an option.

I can't interfere too much in his life.

I know this very well.

Reason constantly reminded me that I couldn't treat him as a 'woman of the opposite sex,' but no matter what identity I used to approach him, it always ended up being the same.

I couldn't have that feeling; even touching him was a luxury. All I could do was watch from afar as his life approached perfection. The torment in my heart grew stronger with time. I kept enduring it, and when I was alone with him, I even showed signs of losing control. I realized that I had touched a taboo that shouldn't be touched. Perhaps everything was really as my mother said: the decision I made from the beginning was wrong.

I took a deep breath, and the face I had longed for day and night appeared before my eyes again, and then I reached out my hand.

"Hoshino-kun......."

The hand, unsurprisingly, didn't touch anything; the faint sound it emitted struck the ceiling, turning into particles that quickly disappeared.